Reflection on 2016

Hello Readers!  Well, tomorrow will be my last post of 2016, and I’m so excited!  I know that normally my Thursdays are spent discussing health and fitness, but that will not be the case in 2017.  And today, I have this past year on my mind, specifically my own year.

2016 was rough, although it wasn’t as rough as the year before.  2015 had brought difficult losses for my family, for both my husband and I lost three family members in that year along with a wonderful career opportunity.  To say that 2015 was brutal would be an understatement.  This year, however, was a matter of the aftermath and picking up the pieces to continue on with life.

This year, I broke my own resolve and made a New Year’s resolution to lose the weight I gained during pregnancy.  Instead of losing any I gained twenty pounds and a full size in apparel.  Talk about torture!  Here I was: new mom, dealing with the unexpected loss of my father, struggling to accept my weight, uncomfortable in my clothes and unsure of finding the right size, struggling with my husband’s work commitmentsI was al, overcoming the lack of breastfeeding as I had not been able to produce, and (in general) feeling quite low every day.  I struggled to be happy.  I struggled to find peace.  I needed to lose weight because my already low self-esteem couldn’t take anymore hits.  And instead, I gained weight.

After two months of struggling at the gym with no results, I gave up.  My weight stabilized at its current amount, and I had to learn to deal with it.  I tried diets with no luck.  I tried programs to no avail.  And finally, I decided that enough was enough and I needed to just accept myself as I am.  Even though I still want to lose weight, I have accepted my situation for what it is: my reality.

One of the reasons why I finally gave up is that in the beginning of March I was fat shamed at the gym.  There I was, huffing away on a treadmill and struggling to find a reason to go on, when an older gentleman made a comment about my needing the gym.  I was hurt.  I had been going to the gym on a regular basis, practically starving myself on diets, and unhappy with the results after eight weeks of trying.  And it was then that I stopped going to the gym.  I felt so guilty because our single income couldn’t afford a frivolous cost of a gym membership.  But after the fat shaming, I couldn’t bring myself to go back.  I was already vulnerable due to every other drastic change in my life; I didn’t need that, too.

I took it out on my husband Ryan after that.  I felt like the issues I was dealing with were his fault, even though he had never given me a reason to feel that way.  But I was hurting, and I felt like he didn’t have to deal with the same concerns or problems like I did.  After all, he hadn’t gained all of this weight and he didn’t have to give up one of his habits like I had with smoking.  Also, he doesn’t show a lot of emotion ever, and I took this to heart because I was going through so much.  In reflection, I probably needed a counselor to help me overcome a lot of my depression.  But, that was another issue for us: our budget.

My family has spent the last year struggling with some pretty big hardships.  My husband’s company was bought out and his pay structure changed drastically, along with our benefits and his details at work.  His schedule increased by at least five hours each week, resulting in about fifty hours per week.  And his pay decreased by about $10,000 total based on the new commission structure.  And we lost our health insurance.  We have been hit hard by the economy this year, and his attempts to find another position have been fruitless in the past few months.  We have hit the point of giving up instead of having hope.  And that didn’t help with my moods whatsoever.  But, we have recently regained our hope that 2017 will be a much better year and that we will see a change in our situation.

If nothing else, we hope to be able to afford insurance to cover our family.  But currently, it isn’t a possibility.  Instead, we have been saving as much as possible in preparation of the penalty we will most likely have to pay to the IRS this year.  Isn’t that ironic?

But I won’t get into politics here.  I have dealt with them enough in my personal life, and I have lost a few acquaintances over the election season as a result of conflicting opinions.  So, I would rather not alienate any of my readers because we should all be above the political mud that’s been thrown around in recent months.  Besides, we all need a place to go that doesn’t have politics attached.

Nonetheless, I’m eager to move into a better year as I look back on another year that I have lived through and as I look back on all the struggles I have had to overcome this year.  And I hope that you, too, will look forward to a brighter and better year in 2017.

Until next time,

-BBM

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